Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Being a single dad

There's one thing that really grates me about being a single dad.  Not seeing Izzy on a daily basis.

I cant even begin to explain the feeling of not seeing your child(ren), only someone in the same position would truly knows what it feels like.

First of all, I have to say I'm extremely fortunate that I've got a good relationship with my ex-wife Clare, who said from the outset that she still wanted me to be a big part of Izzy's life (depsite her not wanting to be part of mine lol...don't blame her to be honest but thats another story altogether!).  It goes without saying I'm one of the lucky dads.  There are a lot less fortunate men out there who don't get to see their kids through the actions of their vindictive ex-partners.  However, for the sake of balance, it has to be said there are a lot of dads out there that dont seem to give a sh*t about their kids (see Jeremy Kyle on a daily basis for examples!)

've got quite a few girl friends that have split from their partners or husbands and they only have to give up their kids for the odd weekend or odd over-nighter.  The thought of giving their kids up for two weeks at a time is horrific to them.

Thats the reality I face.  Clare and I have come to an arrangement where for the time being, I get to have Izzy one night a week (on average) over a four-week rotation.  I've outlined it on the "Izzy Schedule" page so I wont repeat it here but once in every four weeks, I'm faced with the daunting prospect of not seeing Izzy for almost 2 weeks.

On this occasion, I gave Izzy back to Clare on Sunday 10th November but I now wont see madam until the afternoon of Saturday 23rd November, 13 days.

Ever tried being away from your kids for 13 days?  I dont recommend it.  The 13 days will always feel like the longest 13 days of your life.

When I first split up with Clare, Izzy was only 2 and a bit.  She's coming up 8 now and she's used to the situation now.  I guess we all are.  The emotions are no longer raw.  They're locked away deep in the memory banks, hopefully never to be revisited.

For the first couple of years, I used to fight back the tears on every drive back down the A2 to Bexley after dropping Izzy home.  Now its all done on auto-pilot.  The worst thing for me is when Izzy insists on running next to the car on the pavement and races me to the tree.  Her face is lit with glee as she's trying to race me then her face suddenly drops when I wave from the car window when she realises I'm going.  That breaks my heart every time.  She stands and waves for a couple of seconds but the look I see in the rear view mirror on her face, the sadness, will live with me until the day I die.

It drives me on.  I may have let Izzy's Mum down in various ways (oh yes, its not all down to me, lets get that straight, a relationship is a two-way thing and it was never going to work unfortunately) but I'll be damned if anything is ever going to come between Izzy and I.

Fatherhood comes before everything for me.

Anyhow, only 10 days now until I see madam again.  Thank god for Face Time.  Think Daddy needs it more than madam does.

[Oh for the love of god, I cant wait for my neighbours to move.  The dividing floor in my flat must be so thin as whenever their 11 month-old baby son cries, it feels like I'm sleeping in the same bloody room.  Some sleep really would be nice sometime!]

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